I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
