New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
