What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
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Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
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I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
and you fell through a lawn chair
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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