i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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