we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Church boner. Awkwardddd
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize