when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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