I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize