i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
