i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
