I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
