I faked an abortion last night.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
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she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
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I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool