There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.