i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
