is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
