Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
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I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
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I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?