I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
