Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
