curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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