Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
