just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
