What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
