I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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