She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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