I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
