Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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