I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
