My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
