just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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