Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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