I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
