Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
