nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
