I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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