I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
ugly people sure do ruin things
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
