life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
