Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
