I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
