Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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