Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
