either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Randomize
