My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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