As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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