I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
