everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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