I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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