I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
