rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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