So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
