Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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