Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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