I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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