i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
