Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We left the knife in your bed.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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