i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
