Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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