WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
