I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
