Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
