quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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