I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Randomize
