please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just threw up on my dentist
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It's official drugs can't kill me
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
