Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
