If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Operation Purity has been aborted
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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