I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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