i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
