So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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