Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
