I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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