I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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