I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
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I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
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Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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